Friday, April 24, 2015

HOODSLAM Femmed Out: Drag Me to Hell 2/6/2015

Hoodslam has a new subscription YouTube channel (right here).  $1.99/month is the key that opens the door to full shows, of which there are currently three.  Drag Me to Hell entails wrestlers dressed up as typical examples of the opposite sex for whatever reason.  Once, someone asked me if drag queens were a type of clown.  Let's see if that question get answered tonight.

THE Brian Kendrick vs. Juiced Lee
Juiced is not gender-bent, but Kendrick is wearing a crisp summer dress.  He also wears universal admiration by pulling down the straps of the dress when the fight gets serious.  Juiced Lee is apparently a villain now and I think it might work in his favor.   He still cannot resist the siren song of the ropes and slips on an attempted springboard.  There's a major WTF moment when Lee springboards into a facelock, spins around, and hits a brain buster.  Stop springboarding!  That is not the finish, btw.  Not so into this one.

Sonya Blade vs. James C vs. Jesus Kruze vs. Bratt Manuel vs. Mia Wallace vs. Brattney Wonder
This is the "Mike Awesome Tribute Suicide Six-Way Clusterfuck Challenge".  James C is out to speak and still stalls like a fucking god-king.  He confirms my suspicions that drag queens hadn't been invented in the 1920s and says, "I could drink a gallon and I wouldn't go home with you nasty slags, see?"  So Brittney Wonder cosplays as Bat Manuel and vice versa.  Jesus Kruze further muddies the sexuality waters by tossing tampons at the crowd.  Kruze is a weird fit for all this psychedelic BS, as he's mostly a Homicide-style street brawler.  It is revealing that I spend a lot of time talking about stuff that happens before Hoodslam matches, but not much about the matches themselves.  I really dug Brittney Wonder and James C as usual.  Jesus Kruze/Brittney Wonder would be delightful to see.  There's a fun moment in which Mia Wallace has an overdose and Joe Brody stabs her with a pen, which Doc Atrocity then says was "an adrenaline pen"!   They redid a lot of the stuff from the first match, such as springboards and top rope droppy moves with the victim prone, yet hanging onto the ropes and then slightly rising up.  So fuck off, first match, you're yesterday's news.  This was lots of fast-paced fun.  
Juiced Lee vs. Bratt Manuel
Wonder wins and, in doing so, wins a shot at the Golden Gig.  Gig holder Juiced Lee comes out to immediately grant her the shot.  I feel like I rip on Lee, so let's be clear that his dazed swinging after a move here is pretty glorious.  Overall, though, this was not so exciting and also very short.

Waterboy Bobby Burgerhands & Cheerleader Missy Hyasshit vs. The Stoner Brothers
An impromptu match based on tardiness in which Bobby & Missy will win the Stoners' letter jackets if they win.  If you are named Bobby Burgerhands, you are already a winner.  Fans of women being destroyed will dig this, as Missy gets splattered all around the town before making the hot tag.  At that point, the match goes into a causal loop and Burgerhands gets annihilated.  There's a section in the middle that contains single-leg Boston Crabs.  But then we get a double-team Boston Crab, which Anthony Butabi hilariously calls "a double single Boston Crab!"  I lololed.  Butabi cannot stop winning, as he also dishes the classic line "This match is for jackets!"  This had rough edges and was pretty basic, but it's hard not to be impressed by how well the structure of the match told the story.  The crowd really got behind Team Cheerburger in a way that promotions more serious than Hoodslam can't pull off these days.

The Queens of the Roxbury vs. Xena & Hercules vs. Bat Shelly & Storm vs. Poison & Cammy
Scorpion is dressed as Cammy and I'll have nightmares forever about it.  Hercules wears Uggs.  A titty-chop exchange between a Butabi and Storm leads to a "This is wrestling!" chant.  Bless!  Antonia Butabi/Scorpion-Cammy hot lesbian action, by crowd request.  If there's a Satan, he made this match.  This was ugly and not really a wrestling match, but it sure was something.  

Fucking Obese Nerdy Gamer vs. Sheik (Link dressed as Zelda dressed as Sheik)
I'm not a nerd, so I don't even know who Sheik is.  2+ hours of Hoodslam is a lot of Hoodslam and my attention is starting to falter.  At one point, Sheik pulls out a treasure chest in which he finds iron boots.  The boot motif elevates this match into a fun little outing.  Pretty dire otherwise.

Drugz Bunny vs. Pissed Off Nerdy Gamer vs. Charlie Chaplin vs. Sage Sin Supreme vs. THE Brian Kendrick vs. Cereal Girl vs. Doc Atrocity vs. Virgil Flynn III
Winner gets a shot at the Golden Gig at Entertania.  PONG is a pretty eloquent orator.  Hoodslam has really good speakers and should send its wrestlers out to address college graduations and staff training days.  "I've never lost to a video game character and that's a fucking shoot!" might be the greatest thing I've ever heard in wrestling.  The Charlie Chaplin invisible wrestler thing is not an inexhaustible well of entertainment, but both PONG and the debuting Sage Sin Supreme do as well as they can with it.  Would dig seeing Sage in a real match, hope that she comes back.  Doc Atrocity earns his spot in the Hoodslam hall of fame by using GLOW-esque mind control/telekinetic powers during the match.  But it's all about Drugz Bunny's return to the ring, as he gets a hero's welcome and ends up winning this okay match.  BUT then Juiced Lee shows up and mists Drugz.  BUT THEN James C shows up and cashes in his Dixie Carter Memorial championship opportunity on Juiced Lee, winning the Golden Gig, leading to James C vs. Drugz Bunny at Entertania!  The post-match was fucking rad.  

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