Saturday, March 28, 2015

CHIKARA Out on a Limb 3/7/2015

Portions of this event are part of Chikara's Challenge of the Immortals, which you can research right here.  But the opening contest is not and is instead a four corners elimination tag team affair starring

Jervis Cottonbelly & Princess Kimber Lee vs. Fire Ant & Worker Ant vs. Jakob Hammermeier & Pinkie Sanchez vs. Flex Rumblecrunch & Jaka

This is pretty pixelated for HD, but I'll assume Chikara is still working out the kinks of their in-house production.  Also, if you like commentary that sounds like it was recorded in a well, this is the show for you.  We are all delighted to see Sidney Bakabella right at the start, as he says, "You can tell it's a Crockett town because they have the ramp!"  I like Kimber Lee's waltzy entrance theme.  And I like Kimber Lee, but perhaps a little less since the whole Chris Dickinson thing.  I watch wrestling to be entertained; if I wanted xxtreme edgy violence, I would just sit at home and Google Isis videos.  But none of that impacts the Chikara universe, so let's move on.  Pinkie Sanchez is pretty grand in the early stages, doing the BDK arm thing while headlocking Fire Ant.  We go from there to the first of many Flex-murdering-KimberLee segments, which makes me uncomfortable in a stomach-churny way.  Thankfully, it mostly leads to Jervis saving the day, then running away in a manic panic.  Pinkie has Pazuzu on his knee pad; guess this is some new wrestling clique.  A fork is introduced into the fracas, but it's not used in a CZW way, so you don't have to send your kids out of the room.  This is a very rib-centric affair with both fork stabbings and tickling.  There's a brief Fire Ant/Jaka confrontation that makes me want a singles match betwixt the two.  This was pretty fun until the alligator clutch scores the first surprise win of the night.  

Argus vs. Hallowicked

This is a "magic move" match, in which every attendee gets a prize if the magic move is successfully used.  It's a kneedrop in this case and the whole concept is a pretty easy way to get fans to pay close attention to a match and stay engaged.  I'm very unsure of new evil Santa-colored Hallowicked who talks about roleplaying games or something.    Argus is a Wrestle Factory trainee and relative rookie, so this had some bumpy spots, as one might expect.  Those aside, there are some weird decisions made, such as Argus kicking out of Go to Sleepy Hollow and it being treated like no big thing.  Overall, this was okay.

Frightmare & Silver Ant vs. Icarus & Mr. Touchdown

The first match in the aforementioned Challenge of the Immortals was a solid affair.  Icarus seems way too smarmy to still be a technico, but the match was mostly about wrestling moreso than storyline.  And the wrestling was good, no matter who was in the ring!  Despite my trepidation about evil Hallowicked, I think Frightmare is going to benefit tremendously from his turn to darkness.  The dude is excellent at skulking and displaying viciousness (love those clubbing forearms to the back!).  Icarus/Frightmare would be a singles match I'd pay to see, based on this.  The pace of this was frenetic and it included lariats galore and no curtain-pulling business.  So, yes, you should see it!

Trevor Lee vs. Chuck Taylor

Lee follows Taylor for a bit, staring at his ass, which seems really weird until you figure out that he's probably reading the KENTUCKY GENTLEMAN logo imprinted there.  Super-fun momentum swapping happens until Lee gets forcibly flopped onto the ring apron.  After that, it's the Chuck Taylor show for a good long while, but Lee returns fire with strikes and punches.  This match has the move that will make this show notable, a 360-degree crossbody collision straight out of crazyland.  I've seen Trevor Lee before and wasn't incredibly impressed, but he and Taylor were on fire here.  Parts of this were holy-cow good and I'd love to see a rematch at some point.

Mr. Azerbaijan, The Proletariat Boar of Moldova, Juan Francisco de Coronado, & Prakash Sabar vs. Kodoma, Obariyon, Oleg the Usurper, & Ultramantis Black

I am weary from typing out the names of the contestants.  This is another COTI match.  Oleg was drafted onto Mantis's team despite being in the employ of king of managers Sidney Bakabella.  Bakabella's mistreatment of Oleg is the big story here, Oleg being sort of a barbarian blend of Daniel Bryan and Virgil.  But Oleg might be more popular than either as he receives a hero's welcome from the crowd.  Everyone in this match does their part, but the Oleg party overshadows all the fine dropkicks and ocean cyclone suplexes that might otherwise grab the spotlight.  Still, God bless Mr. Azerbaijan for his careless side slams.  And God bless Quack and Chikarason for talking about how video of eastern European wrestling "isn't allowed to be released to us" in North America.  And also God bless Obariyon for chopping Azerbaijan right after he pulls down the straps, convincing him to immediately pull them right back up.  But it all falls before the "TAG IN OLEG" chant, which actually works out well until Bakabella hits the ring screaming about a contract and provides enough distraction for Oleg to lose.  Another shock ending!  Good times!

Kevin Condron vs. Dasher Hatfield

Dasher tells a beautiful story about breaking an old lady's hip before the match.  Condron is announced as "forging a destiny all his own", which should be a familiar phrase to longtime Chikarans.  My fave moment of the match is probably going to be the fan walking disgustedly away from Dasher!  "I don't have a wrench on me!" swears the seed-planting Kevin Condron, who wore his most villainous shoes tonight.   
It's impossible to not hate someone with gold winged shoes.  Much of this involved stalling and Memphis-style BS such as is rarely seen in Chikara.  Condron constantly feigned mistreatment by Hatfield, reminiscent of the glory days of "lie, cheat, steal"-era Eddie Guerrero.  Condron was allegedly very sick here and threw up a few times (thankfully, not shown).  Kudos to the dude for going on there and doing his best, although that maybe explains a lot of the stalling and the chase scene through the crowd of people in obscure Iron Maiden shirts. 

You can always tell when girlfriends get dragged to things against their will.  This was not especially special for whatever reason, but I believe in Kevin Condron and I'm sure that Condron vs. Oleg will be a dream match some day.

Amasis & Ophidian vs. Blaster McMassive & Max Smashmaster

Two out of three falls for the tag straps, brother.  Bakabella complains about his missing fork in very hilarious fashion: "My Devastation Corporation will beat up every single person in this room until I get my heirloom back!"  Fast and furious start with the Portal using their speed to overcome the girth and power of DevCorp.  Smashmaster's woozy facial expressions are pretty great.  Parts of this first fall seemed a little off to me, but all is forgiven by the second fall, as DevCorp target Amasis's back and Ophidian's arm respectively. Blaster McMassive's lariat being called Lariat Tubman is pretty much the apex of comedy, so you can totally quit now, Lena Dunham.  The third fall goes off the chain as all combatants are rekt by falls onto concrete or multi-man fireman's carry slams.  Max Smashmaster is strong enough to save whole orphanages from fires, if he weren't a monster.  You can tell how great this match gets by the legit shocked reaction from the crowd at the near falls.  

So shut up, Undertaker's streak!  I really dug this match after some iffy spots in the first caida.  I'm a huge DevCorp booster and the latter two falls really show why they're two of the best big men around today.