HOODSLAM Femmed Out: Drag Me to Hell 2/6/2015

Hoodslam has a new subscription YouTube channel (right here).  $1.99/month is the key that opens the door to full shows, of which there are currently three.  Drag Me to Hell entails wrestlers dressed up as typical examples of the opposite sex for whatever reason.  Once, someone asked me if drag queens were a type of clown.  Let's see if that question get answered tonight.

THE Brian Kendrick vs. Juiced Lee

Juiced is not gender-bent, but Kendrick is wearing a crisp summer dress.  He also wears universal admiration by pulling down the straps of the dress when the fight gets serious.  Juiced Lee is apparently a villain now and I think it might work in his favor.   He still cannot resist the siren song of the ropes and slips on an attempted springboard.  There's a major WTF moment when Lee springboards into a facelock, spins around, and hits a brain buster.  Stop springboarding!  That is not the finish, btw.  Not so into this one.

**

Sonya Blade vs. James C vs. Jesus Kruze vs. Bratt Manuel vs. Mia Wallace vs. Brattney Wonder

This is the "Mike Awesome Tribute Suicide Six-Way Clusterfuck Challenge".  James C is out to speak and still stalls like a fucking god-king.  He confirms my suspicions that drag queens hadn't been invented in the 1920s and says, "I could drink a gallon and I wouldn't go home with you nasty slags, see?"  So Brittney Wonder cosplays as Bat Manuel and vice versa.  Jesus Kruze further muddies the sexuality waters by tossing tampons at the crowd.  Kruze is a weird fit for all this psychedelic BS, as he's mostly a Homicide-style street brawler.  It is revealing that I spend a lot of time talking about stuff that happens before Hoodslam matches, but not much about the matches themselves.  I really dug Brittney Wonder and James C as usual.  Jesus Kruze/Brittney Wonder would be delightful to see.  There's a fun moment in which Mia Wallace has an overdose and Joe Brody stabs her with a pen, which Doc Atrocity then says was "an adrenaline pen"!   They redid a lot of the stuff from the first match, such as springboards and top rope droppy moves with the victim prone, yet hanging onto the ropes and then slightly rising up.  So fuck off, first match, you're yesterday's news.  This was lots of fast-paced fun.  

***

Juiced Lee vs. Bratt Manuel

Wonder wins and, in doing so, wins a shot at the Golden Gig.  Gig holder Juiced Lee comes out to immediately grant her the shot.  I feel like I rip on Lee, so let's be clear that his dazed swinging after a move here is pretty glorious.  Overall, though, this was not so exciting and also very short.

Waterboy Bobby Burgerhands & Cheerleader Missy Hyasshit vs. The Stoner Brothers

An impromptu match based on tardiness in which Bobby & Missy will win the Stoners' letter jackets if they win.  If you are named Bobby Burgerhands, you are already a winner.  Fans of women being destroyed will dig this, as Missy gets splattered all around the town before making the hot tag.  At that point, the match goes into a causal loop and Burgerhands gets annihilated.  There's a section in the middle that contains single-leg Boston Crabs.  But then we get a double-team Boston Crab, which Anthony Butabi hilariously calls "a double single Boston Crab!"  I lololed.  Butabi cannot stop winning, as he also dishes the classic line "This match is for jackets!"  This had rough edges and was pretty basic, but it's hard not to be impressed by how well the structure of the match told the story.  The crowd really got behind Team Cheerburger in a way that promotions more serious than Hoodslam can't pull off these days.

**1/2

The Queens of the Roxbury vs. Xena & Hercules vs. Bat Shelly & Storm vs. Poison & Cammy

Scorpion is dressed as Cammy and I'll have nightmares forever about it.  Hercules wears Uggs.  A titty-chop exchange between a Butabi and Storm leads to a "This is wrestling!" chant.  Bless!  Antonia Butabi/Scorpion-Cammy hot lesbian action, by crowd request.  If there's a Satan, he made this match.  This was ugly and not really a wrestling match, but it sure was something.  

**1/2(?)

Fucking Obese Nerdy Gamer vs. Sheik (Link dressed as Zelda dressed as Sheik)

I'm not a nerd, so I don't even know who Sheik is.  2+ hours of Hoodslam is a lot of Hoodslam and my attention is starting to falter.  At one point, Sheik pulls out a treasure chest in which he finds iron boots.  The boot motif elevates this match into a fun little outing.  Pretty dire otherwise.

**

Drugz Bunny vs. Pissed Off Nerdy Gamer vs. Charlie Chaplin vs. Sage Sin Supreme vs. THE Brian Kendrick vs. Cereal Girl vs. Doc Atrocity vs. Virgil Flynn III

Winner gets a shot at the Golden Gig at Entertania.  PONG is a pretty eloquent orator.  Hoodslam has really good speakers and should send its wrestlers out to address college graduations and staff training days.  "I've never lost to a video game character and that's a fucking shoot!" might be the greatest thing I've ever heard in wrestling.  The Charlie Chaplin invisible wrestler thing is not an inexhaustible well of entertainment, but both PONG and the debuting Sage Sin Supreme do as well as they can with it.  Would dig seeing Sage in a real match, hope that she comes back.  Doc Atrocity earns his spot in the Hoodslam hall of fame by using GLOW-esque mind control/telekinetic powers during the match.  But it's all about Drugz Bunny's return to the ring, as he gets a hero's welcome and ends up winning this okay match.  BUT then Juiced Lee shows up and mists Drugz.  BUT THEN James C shows up and cashes in his Dixie Carter Memorial championship opportunity on Juiced Lee, winning the Golden Gig, leading to James C vs. Drugz Bunny at Entertania!  The post-match was fucking rad.  

**1/2

SENDAI GIRLS 3/11/2015

Michiko Miyagi vs. Meiko Tanaka

Let's see if opening joshi matches are still underwhelming?  Yep, they are.  An awkward dance-y/stroke-y collar & elbow is at least followed by a tight wristlock.  Miyagi impresses a bit with her pained facial expressions and AJW tribute-night rope attacks.  But there are way too many your-turn/my-turn sequences.  Dropkick swap!  Forearm swap!  Plus this match is more evidence that our era will be known as the era of following people when they hit the ropes and hitting them with moves unexpectedly.  Appropriately enough, the match ends with a rasslin' basic, the crab, of which we will see lots more to come.

*

Aiger & KAORU vs. Saruka Hirota & Alex Lee

They're apparently (hilariously) muting the copyright-infringing entrance music, so you get these stretches of weird silence.  Aiger has a Japanese-ghost gimmick (like Kwaidan, you know), so it would have been epic as hell if she alone entered to absolute silence.  This is my first time seeing her and my hopes are sky high.  KAORU looks to have had a rough wrestling life and is pretty grizzled here.  Comedy shenanigans bid us welcome to this match, which quickly spills out into the crowd.  Aiger and Hirota are keeping it wacky with their jocular antics, but there's a weird bout of KAORU/Lee straight wrestling amidst all of this.  I'm pretty cool to the comedy here, but I did dig Hirota's waving to the crowd while she rope-walked.  At one point, KAORU, who Hirota is wristlocking, applauds her for her balance achievements.  RIP in peace, kayfabe.  As a match, this felt like some weird lost GLOW tag that was ginned up at the last minute.  Or maybe like the wrestling version of Tommy Wiseau's "The Neighbors"?  This was strange and not enjoyable despite trying oh-so-hard to please, but it was still trainwreck interesting, I guess???

*

Michiko Miyagi & Ray vs. Sareee & Hikaru Shida

Michiko is picking up extra shifts at her wrestling job.  I wanted so much for Sareee to have a Bollywood gimmick, but nooo.  Her mother was apparently stabbed in the act of naming her child.  The opening is hot as hell, as Miyagi tries to steal a quick pin and Sareee forearms her to death for it.  Shida tags in and immediately reminds me of the LCO with her blatant enjoyment of dishing out punishment to opponents.  She also reminds me of Rikishi because she uses a lot of butt moves to hurt people.  And she uses a Boston crab, presumably as a callback to Miyagi's last match.  There's a strange long period in which Miyagi's in the ring, but never dominated for any great length of time.  Still, Ray comes in like a house of fire after the tag, as the tag gods demand.  Sareee might be my fave lady in this match, especially when she goes dropkick crazy, including dropkicking an opponent who's prone on the mat.  This was very good at times, but had some draggy spots and the aforementioned weird structural stuff.

***

Kyoko Kimura vs. Meiko Satomura

Lawl, what's the deal with the pot leaf over Kimura's boob?  Isn't that like begging for prison in Japan?  This announces its greatness right at the start, as we get intense matwork followed by Satomura's breathtakingly smooth head and arm work.  Kyoko Kimura also came to impress, as she blocks a snap mare!  This is a night of firsts.  Kimura nails a foot stomp and follows up with a stomach claw.  I am so pleased about this and I wish that wrestling would have more nerve holds and claws.  The attack on Satomura's tummy continues for a good long while, until Meiko regains the momentum with a flurry that includes a swank springboard dropkick.  This world is unjust in lots of ways, but Meiko Satomura being unknown to any wrestling fan is uniquely unjust.  Sometimes match reviews talk about cool moves and this certainly had its memorable moments (armbreaker reversal into a sleeper is my pick), but I think the overall package came together really well.  Some parts of the match might be considered boring and lots of it was a little too self-consciously epic, but I absolutely loved a lot of it and would love to see a rematch.

***1/2 

 

Hooray for disembowlements!

DASH Chisako & Sendai Sachiko vs. Kairi Hojo & Nanae Tanahashi

If you're not into Kairi Hojo, you can leave the blog.  This reminded me of a lower-quality AJW tag main event.  The bad girls are bad, the good girls are good, fast opening, then it slows down.  Hojo might not be an all-time great technician, but she should have her own wing in the Wrestling Charisma Hall of Fame.  Also, her Supergirl punch is better than Reigns and her elbows are far better than Punk.  She's also good at selling and proves it by wobbling around like a drunken zombie.

This probably went a bit longer than necessary, but I guess that's what you expect from a main event.  Hojo & Tanahashi were fun and Chisako & Sachiko were fine, although I would have liked a little more aggression and cheating and perhaps fewer fancy spots.  The action proceeded at a frantic pace, but it was kind of hard to care by the later stages.  I dunno, it was fine, just fine, but I wish it would have swapped places with the previous match.  Because this wasn't on the same level as Kimura/Satomura.

***