CHIKARA Out on a Limb 3/7/2015

Portions of this event are part of Chikara's Challenge of the Immortals, which you can research right here.  But the opening contest is not and is instead a four corners elimination tag team affair starring

Jervis Cottonbelly & Princess Kimber Lee vs. Fire Ant & Worker Ant vs. Jakob Hammermeier & Pinkie Sanchez vs. Flex Rumblecrunch & Jaka

This is pretty pixelated for HD, but I'll assume Chikara is still working out the kinks of their in-house production.  Also, if you like commentary that sounds like it was recorded in a well, this is the show for you.  We are all delighted to see Sidney Bakabella right at the start, as he says, "You can tell it's a Crockett town because they have the ramp!"  I like Kimber Lee's waltzy entrance theme.  And I like Kimber Lee, but perhaps a little less since the whole Chris Dickinson thing.  I watch wrestling to be entertained; if I wanted xxtreme edgy violence, I would just sit at home and Google Isis videos.  But none of that impacts the Chikara universe, so let's move on.  Pinkie Sanchez is pretty grand in the early stages, doing the BDK arm thing while headlocking Fire Ant.  We go from there to the first of many Flex-murdering-KimberLee segments, which makes me uncomfortable in a stomach-churny way.  Thankfully, it mostly leads to Jervis saving the day, then running away in a manic panic.  Pinkie has Pazuzu on his knee pad; guess this is some new wrestling clique.  A fork is introduced into the fracas, but it's not used in a CZW way, so you don't have to send your kids out of the room.  This is a very rib-centric affair with both fork stabbings and tickling.  There's a brief Fire Ant/Jaka confrontation that makes me want a singles match betwixt the two.  This was pretty fun until the alligator clutch scores the first surprise win of the night.  

***

Argus vs. Hallowicked

This is a "magic move" match, in which every attendee gets a prize if the magic move is successfully used.  It's a kneedrop in this case and the whole concept is a pretty easy way to get fans to pay close attention to a match and stay engaged.  I'm very unsure of new evil Santa-colored Hallowicked who talks about roleplaying games or something.    Argus is a Wrestle Factory trainee and relative rookie, so this had some bumpy spots, as one might expect.  Those aside, there are some weird decisions made, such as Argus kicking out of Go to Sleepy Hollow and it being treated like no big thing.  Overall, this was okay.

**

Frightmare & Silver Ant vs. Icarus & Mr. Touchdown

The first match in the aforementioned Challenge of the Immortals was a solid affair.  Icarus seems way too smarmy to still be a technico, but the match was mostly about wrestling moreso than storyline.  And the wrestling was good, no matter who was in the ring!  Despite my trepidation about evil Hallowicked, I think Frightmare is going to benefit tremendously from his turn to darkness.  The dude is excellent at skulking and displaying viciousness (love those clubbing forearms to the back!).  Icarus/Frightmare would be a singles match I'd pay to see, based on this.  The pace of this was frenetic and it included lariats galore and no curtain-pulling business.  So, yes, you should see it!

***

Trevor Lee vs. Chuck Taylor

Lee follows Taylor for a bit, staring at his ass, which seems really weird until you figure out that he's probably reading the KENTUCKY GENTLEMAN logo imprinted there.  Super-fun momentum swapping happens until Lee gets forcibly flopped onto the ring apron.  After that, it's the Chuck Taylor show for a good long while, but Lee returns fire with strikes and punches.  This match has the move that will make this show notable, a 360-degree crossbody collision straight out of crazyland.  I've seen Trevor Lee before and wasn't incredibly impressed, but he and Taylor were on fire here.  Parts of this were holy-cow good and I'd love to see a rematch at some point.

***1/2

Mr. Azerbaijan, The Proletariat Boar of Moldova, Juan Francisco de Coronado, & Prakash Sabar vs. Kodoma, Obariyon, Oleg the Usurper, & Ultramantis Black

I am weary from typing out the names of the contestants.  This is another COTI match.  Oleg was drafted onto Mantis's team despite being in the employ of king of managers Sidney Bakabella.  Bakabella's mistreatment of Oleg is the big story here, Oleg being sort of a barbarian blend of Daniel Bryan and Virgil.  But Oleg might be more popular than either as he receives a hero's welcome from the crowd.  Everyone in this match does their part, but the Oleg party overshadows all the fine dropkicks and ocean cyclone suplexes that might otherwise grab the spotlight.  Still, God bless Mr. Azerbaijan for his careless side slams.  And God bless Quack and Chikarason for talking about how video of eastern European wrestling "isn't allowed to be released to us" in North America.  And also God bless Obariyon for chopping Azerbaijan right after he pulls down the straps, convincing him to immediately pull them right back up.  But it all falls before the "TAG IN OLEG" chant, which actually works out well until Bakabella hits the ring screaming about a contract and provides enough distraction for Oleg to lose.  Another shock ending!  Good times!

***

   

Kevin Condron vs. Dasher Hatfield

Dasher tells a beautiful story about breaking an old lady's hip before the match.  Condron is announced as "forging a destiny all his own", which should be a familiar phrase to longtime Chikarans.  My fave moment of the match is probably going to be the fan walking disgustedly away from Dasher!  "I don't have a wrench on me!" swears the seed-planting Kevin Condron, who wore his most villainous shoes tonight.   

It's impossible to not hate someone with gold winged shoes.  Much of this involved stalling and Memphis-style BS such as is rarely seen in Chikara.  Condron constantly feigned mistreatment by Hatfield, reminiscent of the glory days of "lie, cheat, steal"-era Eddie Guerrero.  Condron was allegedly very sick here and threw up a few times (thankfully, not shown).  Kudos to the dude for going on there and doing his best, although that maybe explains a lot of the stalling and the chase scene through the crowd of people in obscure Iron Maiden shirts. 

You can always tell when girlfriends get dragged to things against their will.  This was not especially special for whatever reason, but I believe in Kevin Condron and I'm sure that Condron vs. Oleg will be a dream match some day.

**

Amasis & Ophidian vs. Blaster McMassive & Max Smashmaster

Two out of three falls for the tag straps, brother.  Bakabella complains about his missing fork in very hilarious fashion: "My Devastation Corporation will beat up every single person in this room until I get my heirloom back!"  Fast and furious start with the Portal using their speed to overcome the girth and power of DevCorp.  Smashmaster's woozy facial expressions are pretty great.  Parts of this first fall seemed a little off to me, but all is forgiven by the second fall, as DevCorp target Amasis's back and Ophidian's arm respectively. Blaster McMassive's lariat being called Lariat Tubman is pretty much the apex of comedy, so you can totally quit now, Lena Dunham.  The third fall goes off the chain as all combatants are rekt by falls onto concrete or multi-man fireman's carry slams.  Max Smashmaster is strong enough to save whole orphanages from fires, if he weren't a monster.  You can tell how great this match gets by the legit shocked reaction from the crowd at the near falls.  

So shut up, Undertaker's streak!  I really dug this match after some iffy spots in the first caida.  I'm a huge DevCorp booster and the latter two falls really show why they're two of the best big men around today.  

****

CHIKARA National Pro Wrestling Day 2/8/2015

Juan Francisco de Coronado vs. Fire Ant

Juan Francisco is maybe the best staller in modern pro wrestling.   His entrance is so prolonged that a timer appears on the screen as the fans in attendance scowl about it.  His entrance is longer than all diva matches since 2008 combined.  What an artist!  This show is my first look at Chikara's new in-house production, as they've moved away from using Smart Mark Video to tape, edit, and the like.  It's pretty impressive.  The editing is not too hyper, they shoot from interesting angles, and they now splice in elements ex post facto, like the timer or the subtitles during de Coronado's pre-match promo.

To the match.  Enjoyably basic headlock stuff to start, then Juan F. de C. avoids a Fire Ant plancha with a girly shriek.  De Coronado proceeds to bury himself in various fan laps, which doesn't save him from Fire Ant chops.  Juan eventually gains the advantage with some swank whips and back-centered attacks.  All's fair until some spinny thing gets messed up, then they recover with a leg sweep.  I like de Coronado staying on the back with the German suplex and whips into the buckle.  

Missile Assault Ant makes his presence felt by tripping up Fire Ant, allowing Juan to hit a slow and steady German suplex and gain the victory.  I guess we'll be seeing even more Colony versus Colony Xtreme Force in Chikara this season.  Decent enough opener.  I would like to see more de Coronado delaying in the ring, like maybe stomping on opponents until they get into just the right position for a chinlock.  I think he's one of the more fun "nu-Chikara" dudes, so I'm glad he's doing stuff with wrestlers who are not Ashley Remington.

**

The Bloc Party vs. The Osirian Portal

Amasis's WARRIORS-inspired Osirians shirt wins everything, cancel WrestleMania and the 2016 election.  This opens with dollops of comedy about which I wish to not speak.  As for the wrestling, the Boar mauls Ophidian in front of some children and Ophidian stays out there for a good long while, leaving Amasis to handle the majority of the match.  I wasn't crazy about most of this, but it was fine enough and had import to the future of Chikara's tag titles.  

**

Max Smashmaster vs. Shynron

I was a big fan of the old portly Max Smashmaster, but this new svelte one is okay, too.  Please don't be a terrible clash of styles, match.  And my pleas are not granted as we open with Shynron awkwardly evading Smashmaster charges.  Max gets dropkicked and lies there prone for a while as Shynron flips onto him.  Man.  At one point, they go outside and Shynron blatantly taps Max on the back to let him know that a flippy move is coming.  Yikes, might want to pick a different angle when you're editing stuff together, brah.  Things I liked here: Max doing power moves and energetically scrabbling for pins.  Things I didn't like: ungainly interactions just to get in hard-to-do cool moves (that means you, aborted spinning headscissors thing from the outside).  This was not the kind of big guy vs. small guy match I tend to like, it felt more like a tit-for-tat trading session than a match that told a story.  The story should always be little guy gets squashed and loses or barely survives, IMHO.

*

Drew Gulak vs. Ashley Remington 

Gulak wins the match by coming out to "Rainbow in the Dark".  I'm not confident that the Ashley Remington character has a lengthy life ahead.  It's fun, but I think there might have to be additions or alterations to the act pretty soon.  Anywayz, I really dug the emphasis on wrestling in this match.  Gulak does tons of submission-y business, which Remington escapes mostly through the use of elbows and punches.  "Nice guy brawler" Ashley Remington could definitely give the character some longevity.  Remington does the whole "break on one" thing, but then revisits it later in the match, when he backs off after Gulak falls to the apron.  Remington quickly realizes his mistake and goes back on the attack.  A++ great work, Ashley Remington!! :)  Everything until the very end was solid as heck.  I wasn't crazy about the finishing moments, but what can you do?  Lots of fun otherwise.

***

Los Ice Creams vs. Old Fashioned

I can be tolerant of wrestling comedy when it's done well.  Los Ice Creams delight and mortify young fans en route to the ring.  If Old Fashioned win the match, Los Ice Creams agree to join them in performing a scene from Shakespeare as a tribute to Princess KimberLee.  In America, we generally think it's silly to have things like princesses and rightfully so, but... 

 

Wow, ah-ooga, and yow.  This match was easy and breezy with lots of fun moments.  All four boy wrestlers are very adept at tickling ribs in the ring, but my fave part of the match might have been Bryce Remsburg's frantic arm waving.  In a shocking shock, Old Fashioned do indeed win the match and we get more acceptable comedy during the Shakespearean scene.  It's apparently a very abridged version of Romeo and Juliet, but you academics will be pleased by how well Jervis Cottonbelly has memorized the "Soft, what light" line.  But he is immediately upstaged by El Hijo del Ice Cream, who says, "This is the pinnacle of my wrestling career". 

***

Blaster McMassive vs. Mr. Touchdown

I feel more confident about this one than the Shrynon/Max match.  And my confidence is repaid, as Touchdown gets shoved and tossed all around the ring by the hulking McMassive.  Touchdown gains the advantage by inches, only by going for desperation moves like sleeper-style headlocks while on McMassive's back.  It's really heated and thoroughly fun until Max Smashmaster and Dasher Hatfield get involved to bring things to an abrupt end.  It sets up the main event, but I would have liked to have seen more of this!  

**1/2

Princess KimberLee vs. Jenny Rose

Jenny Rose wins the match by being announced as "J-Ro".  I hope that there is some serious GIGLI influence in this contest.  They administer the poison early on with some waistlock trading, ending in both ladies falling to the mat as if the Earth was just hit by an asteroid.  But then things get tasty with some fetching armwork.  J-Ro cannot stop winning this match, as she does the AJW kick to the gut and rush to the ropes.  Takako Inoue is smiling down from heaven!  This is probably the first time a ref has ever said, "What do you say, Princess?"  But I hope that it becomes a thing for all wrestlers in submissions, not just KimberLee.  KimberLee is excellent at displaying pain or intensity through her facial expressions.  And things do get intense, as the women trade forearms and the crowd is way into it!  As with the last match, this is a bit too abbreviated and seemed to stop short just as it's reaching idyll.  But I do love KimberLee's alligator clutch.  It really stands out, in an era of finishing moves and submissions, to have a pin that's inescapable.  Very cool.

**1/2

Flying Francis vs. N_R_G

Both guys in Flying Francis are named Francis.  N_R_G is comprised of Race Jackson, who is very peppy, and Hype Rockwell, who is sleepy, since he has to do all the driving.  Again, not sure that these characters have legs that will stride for years, but they're fun in small doses.  Flying Francis are very good at the bad-guy basics, like stalling and double teams.  God bless this match for showing Flying Francis attempting the same move twice and getting punished for it!   

This was pretty fun, aside from the terrible story on commentary about Koko B. Ware practicing dropkicks on horses' heads.  But there's still hope that a horse will kill and eat him, so perhaps justice will still be served.  Both teams are fun in the ring and Francis especially is pretty fabu in executing stuff.  The Lethal Injection is a move that severely tests my nerves, but one of the Francises does it as well as it could be done here.  Hype Rockwell has a cool move of his own, a swinging backbreaker that wins my heart and the match.  Dear Chikara, I'd like to see more of these teams, pls.

***

22 person tag match

It would be farcical to try to document the action of such a tussle, so let's cover the highlights.  Old faves Shane Storm and Shane Hawke make their Chikara returns here.  The match starts off structured like a cibernetico, but dissolves into chaos after the world's longest chain of chinlocks stretches from the ring through the building.  Chikara's current staff deliver some highlights: Mr. Azerbaijan's side slams and suplexes will never be not funny, and Oleg the Usurper's confused blinking after Shane Storm falls on him is a moment of the year.  But it's not all turmoil and blinking, as the narrative of Chikara is advanced in this match.  KimberLee is cornered by the Devastation Corporation.  They refuse to be a star and take out their jealousy on women's wrestling on her.  But Los Ice Creams come to her rescue!  Everybody loves Princess KimberLee!!  Meanwhile, UltraMantis Black makes an Overkill reference on commentary!  Excitement abounds, ironbound!  This was scads of fun and drew a warm reception from the crowd.

***

Assorted Dick Murdoch matches

I thought it might be fun to ditch the indies for a bit and dig into something more primordial.  Here's a clue to my secret identity: the first wrestling I ever saw was Mid-South back in the 80s (I was around 5-ish) and Dick Murdoch was one of the first wrestlers that ever struck a chord with me.  My memories of that time are fuzzy, so let's refresh them with some matches from a random volume of The Best of Dick Murdoch:

Tatsumi Fujinami vs. Dick Murdoch (New Japan, 12/16/84)

I dug the hell out of the early goings, with both guys bringing the intensity to a collar and elbow.  They go straight into a headlock, which also wins my heart.  It's pretty cool to stick a side headlock here and not just make it a go-to slowdown move after something big.  Plus they're actively working the move, with the aggressor constantly trying to squeeze harder or get a better grip, and the victim attempting to wriggle free.  Good times!  The fight goes to the outside and Murdoch uses a chair right in front of the ref and there are no consequences.  Japan is like Somalia, lawless and crude.  I enjoyed Murdoch's brutal offense here—lots of solid-looking punches and torture-y holds, and at one point he grabs Fujinami's face and tries to pry it off his skull.  I'm less enthused about Fujinami's behavior after being mauled.  Fighting spirit is fine, but it's almost like Fujinami has decided, "Fuck it, I'm not selling anything!" and just constantly comes back with these too-energetic reversals.  It's annoying.  He finally gets put down with an enzuigiri, although he never matches Murdoch's sublime selling here.  Fujinami fire aside, this is fine until the end, which is a really abrupt spill to the outside and double countout.  

***

Adrian Adonis & Dick Murdoch vs. Gerry & Jack Brisco (WWF, 12/2/84)

Now to America, so get ready for rib-tickling comedy.  It begins with Murdoch getting pushed out of the ring after tying up with Jack, then yelling at the ref, "Hey, goddamn it!  Do your job!"  There's a lot of arm work from the Briscos at the early stages.  It doesn't compare well to those headlocks I loved in the Murdoch/Fujinami affair above.  The holds here are way more stationary and, worse still, don't really pay off in any meaningful way.  Because, soon enough, we switch over to leg work, setting up the figure four which both Briscos masterfully use.   Life gets better in this final 3/4 of the match, as we get tons of quick tags, some cool double-teams, and Dick Murdoch hobbling around on his wounded leg like a drunk in a Western saloon.  The ref here is garishly horrible, counting pins like a stroke victim, drawing the ire of Gorilla Monsoon on commentary.  At one point, action spills to the outside and Murdoch clocks Jack with a telephone, which the ref hilariously ignores.  The crowd chants, "Bull-shit!" and I am pleased.  I think this ends in a Murdoch/Adonis victory by countout, but the match is clipped before the announcement, so that might be wrong.  A little creaky at the outset, but this got very good as the match progressed.  Worth checking out.

***1/2

Dick Murdoch vs. Barry Windham (WWF, 2/16/85)

I was excited about this!  Very heated exchange in the tie-up and push to the corner.  Murdoch shows the effects of a Windham punch for literally minutes.  Barry Windham will not be outsold at selling and he takes some Murdoch elbows and punches with gusto.  If you love spills to the outside, this is your new favorite match.  Windham gets hiptossed over the top and then later spills over to the floor backwards.  Dick Murdoch unloads with some golden, beautiful woozy punching.  Then it's back to the outside where Murdoch wallops Windham with a crutch.  Once again, no DQ, and it's pointed out on commentary.  WWF really needed to work on its referee training, ne?  As with Fuji/Murdoch, the end here is rather abrupt and the match never rises above a solid, fun brawl.  Still worth seeing, but this didn't seem like a lost classic or anything to me.

***

 Adrian Adonis & Dick Murdoch vs. Tatsumi Fujinami & Kengo Kimura (New Japan, 5/24/85)

Plenty of good chain wrestling from Adonis in the early moments.  I really need to check out more Adrian Adonis.  Being Southern, I missed out on a lot of the wrestlers from places like New York and Portland.  The intense approach to holds is here again, as Murdoch tries to wrench Fujinami's head off in a side headlock.  Thankfully, Fujinami is a bit more giving about showing damage here and doesn't immediately fire right back.  All four dudes are pretty adept at the exciting wrestling.  When Kimura tags in, he delivers a swank-looking leg lariat to Adonis, who spends the entire match awesomely taking or giving lumps.  Dick Murdoch says, "Don't forget about me!" and delivers a standing dropkick that literally made me say "WAH?" out loud.  You can't go wrong with this match, though.  This is pretty choice stuff all the way through until we get to the inevitable countout ending, sending Fujinami and Kimura to victory.

****

Dick Murdoch vs. The Nightmare (Mid-South, 7/14/85)

Please believe that this brought back memories.  Eddie Gilbert seconds the Nightmare and dresses to impress in a silver sequined jacket, indoor sunglasses, and a cane.  Dick Murdoch arrives in a white snapback as "The Halls of Montezuma" plays.  This is the house show-iest match I have ever seen.  Everything is aimed at getting a rise out of the (large) crowd.  Referee Carl Fergie keeps preventing Murdoch from punching the Nightmare.  A "hit the ref!" chant starts.  So, of course, when the punch happens, there's a crowdgasm about it.  The brawling parts of the match are fabu, but Murdoch turns it a notch with some flying stuff, including a pair of leapfrogs and a kick-ass flying headscissors.  What a versatile dude Dick Murdoch was.  Nightmare's pretty good here, too, making his striking offense look credible and delivering a Dibiase-esque second-rope fistdrop.  Murdoch goes to the Nightmare's mask a lot, to the delight of the crowd, and then we get an apt ending with botched interference and the villains getting comeuppance.  Probably the most fun match on the set and a great example of why wrestling as pure entertainment ain't something to scoff at.

***

Great wrestling moments in cinema

The Herschell Gordon Lewis "tribute" Blood Diner boasts scads of subplots, but the best one involves a cannibal chef taking on a wrestler named Jimmy Hitler.  Note the NWA rip-off logo and the fact that Jimmy Hitler does not even try to use a little bit of a German accent.  It's just like some guy from Cleveland walks out and says he's Jimmy Hitler, just as if Kamala would've shown up and said, "Hey, I'm the Ugandan giant or whatever" in his Mississippi twang.  This! Is! Wrestling!

John Waters allegedly idolized Gorgeous George, but (to my knowledge) includes wrestling in only one of his films, the sublime Desperate Living.  In the scene below, Rasslin' Rita (Susan Lowe) puts the hurt on "Big" Jimmy Dong, "The Human Blockhead".  So, see, Candice LeRae did not fucking invent intergender matches!!  Waters also loved H.G. Lewis, which is apparent in the eye damage that closes out this ***1/2 bout and send Rasslin' Rita into exile in Mortville.

The best always comes last, as this Asian thing called Golden Queen's Commando is stuffed plump with insanity.  So much so that the scene below is probably the second craziest kill scene of the movie's first ten minutes (two words: Bible gun).  We learn things from this brief clip.  Women in general love to flip all around, not just Manami Toyota.  In order to succeed as a wrestler, you have to know how to hide spiked gloves in your tights without castrating yourself.  In Mongolia, it's totally legal to burn off your opponent's face with acetylene torches.  And tiny Asian despots are better at cutting heel promos than almost everybody currently in wrestling.  Enjoy!

HOODSLAM 4/4/2014 - EnterTania

2 FYIs.  A slew of the matches on this thing are randomly-compiled pairings a la the glorious WCW BattleBowl.  Plus I am sick with the blacklung today, so this might be even more badly-written than usual.  Sorry about all the Reddit references.

Ken & P.O.N.G. vs. Lucha Magnifico & Peanut Butter Banana

Ken is of Street Fighter II fame and is accompanied by Kammy.  Massive commentator interest in Kammy's ass, which apparently has its own Facebook page.  "Everybody has an ass, but very few asses have a Facebook."  Hoodslam's ass-centric sexual universe should keep anthropologists of the future busy for at least some weeks.  We like legs in Appalachia.  If you don't remember Peanut Butter Banana, this should assist.  There's a really particular nostalgia in Hoodslam, which we'll discuss more later.  P.O.N.G. stands for "Pissed Off Nerdy Gamer", so it's a given that he's going to turn on Ken, but they sprinkle the turning throughout the match instead of making it a one-and-done.  This was fine, although nothing special.  

**

Bat Manuel & James C vs. Broseph Joe Brody & Charlie Chaplin

The virulent reaction to James C makes me smile.  "Go back to the 1920s!" is a heckle that I'm glad I got to hear.  If James loses this match, he retires from Hoodslam forever, which might telegraph the ending a little bit, but we'll see.  In what must be an old in-joke, Charlie Chaplin is invisible and Disco Inferno's dream come trues, as the opposing team wrestle themselves during the Chaplin control segments.  Preposterous, but fun, in small doses.  It's worth noting that the actual wrestling in this match with an invisible competitor is a little more adventurous than lots of Hoodslam's stuff.   If I get to see Charlie Chaplin vs. Davey Richards one day, all the time I've wasted on wrestling will have been worth it.  Bat Manuel picks up the win, saving James's career and Hoodslam's ratings. 

**

Drugz Bunny vs. Virgil Flynn III

The self-congratulatory commentary is v v amazing: "What an EnterTania moment!"  I didn't dig Virgil Flynn so much last go-round, but he picks up the pace a lot here.  The opening is hot as hell, with lots of strikes and punches.  There's a nice facebuster to counter an attempted top-rope flippity-do and then they make the top-rope cutoffs a recurring motif for the early goings.  They eventually do get to the top rope and then blow something, which just goes to show you.  Drugz Bunny is really good at power stuff for a guy who is probably half my size.  The blown dropkick here won't be the only blown dropkick of the night, fans.  I don't get as salty about messed-up moves as some wrestling evaluators.  If wrestling were 100% real (which it is, verified by the mods), moves would get messed up all the time.  The difference for me is what happens afterwards and the two guys here do a nice job of averting disaster.  Virgil Flynn eventually does a top-rope complicated flippy move, but actually seals the deal with an old-timey cannonball senton.  Hopefully, he'll incorporate a lot more of the striking in other Flynn matches I see; he's really convincing at that stuff.  I suspect this match won't be surpassed.

***

El Chupacabra & Big Van Faber vs. Brittany Wonder & Zangief

Thanks, fate!  You put the cute girl together with the big Russian who has already been established as perpetually horny.  But da real MVP is Big Van Faber, who appears to have plucked his ring attire from a storage facility's dumpster.  There is duct tape on the headwear.  Splendid.  If this is an allusion to famous knockoffs like Big Slam Vader, then good job, Hoodslam.  I love how the commentators pronounce Zangief's name in a different way every show.  They should start putting the syllables and stresses after the fighters' names during entrances.  Behemoths Faber and Zangief hit the ring and start doing hiptosses and armdrags and shit.  LOLs abound and then Cabra and Wonder engage and the pace picks up.  The ending is telegraphed here, as Brittany Wonder rejects Zangief's advances because she is, like all women, icy-hearted and intolerant of nice guys.  Zangief bails, Brittany's pinned, and Big Van Faber continues to look swag as hell.

**1/2

Doc Atrocity vs. El Flaco Loco

Loser leaves town...for 90 days.  Atrocity's entourage of freaks rivals Adam Rose's by a country mile.  I don't think Flaco is a seasoned wrestler and consequently the match needs saving.  The commentators do their best, ginning up a backstory for Flaco that involves being born in a CMLL ring and spending years doing amateur lucha libre.  Forever the sickest: "You can't do krav maga without the double axehandle!"  Flaco loses when a robot(?) with oven mitt hands gets involved.  Then Doc Atrocity gives a speech that ends in "You're all gonna die...and I'm gonna fuckin' kill you!"  So I guess if anyone who attended this show ever dies mysteriously, we know who to arrest.  No one died during this match and it didn't rain, so...

*

Anthony Butabi & Jesus Kruze vs. Johnny Drinko Butabi & Rick-Scott Stoner vs. Prawn Cena & F.O.N.G. vs. Ryu & Scott-Rick Stoner

The show was starting to drag, so I'm glad they condensed things here.  Mastodons collide as F.O.N.G. and Rick-Scott shoulder-block.  Then F.O.N.G. shows the effects of a clothesline by wobbling.  Johnny Drinko says, "That's too basic!" and does a standing hurricanrana about it.  Jesus Kruze is kind of the odd man out here, he seems to be a straightforward B-Boy/Homicide-style urban wrestler.  Weird to see him amidst all this gimmickry, but his strikes and stuff look cool.  Plus he has his full name on the back of his work shirt, which helps.  This proceeds at a pretty nice clip, but then cheerleader valet Missy Hiasshit executes a sort of rana in a very herky-jerky way.  I'm sure it takes practice to get it down, so no worries, but it does muck up the flow of the match a little.  But then Prawn Cena (and I was disappointed that he was not a prawn like in District 9) does the same sequence of moves over and over again, which is one of my huge complaints about WWE big matches, even though Joe Brody is yelling, "Don't duck the clothesline!" on the house mic.  Match salvaged.  Okay stuff overall.

**1/2

The Dixie Carter Memorial Lethal Lottery Battle Bowl

This is a battle royal and, at one point, Scott-Rick Stoner hits his head and promptly starts vomiting.  Hope that dude's all right!  I saw Matt Sydal do the same thing after missing a top rope move, so you are in good company, Scott-Rick.  I was all set to commend Hoodslam for a clever title since the true Dixie Carter is indeed dead.  But they never even mention the erstwhile Julia Sugarbaker and, since battle royals are boring, I started thinking about whether a show like Designing Women would even air in California.  It seems too rural, too immersed in Hee-Haw culture.  Like, would Missy Hiasshit or Anthony Butabi know how to react if they saw Reba or a Moon Pie?  Or would it be like showing a smartphone to a cannibal tribe in the Amazon?  Anyway, James C wins and voices a splendid, boo-seeking halting promo.

**

Juiced Lee vs. Dark Sheik

Main event time and this was apparently the first match on the first Hoodslam show as well.  History!  A (drunk?) fan hits the ring shortly after Dark Sheik and is promptly ejected by a horde of folks, giving us this show's Kevin Douglas moment.  The early portions did not win my heart, mostly because Juiced Lee seemed off.  Stoned?  Mesmerized?  Whatever, he shruggingly sold punches and his offense was also pretty exposey.  Things got better as the match progressed, although botches were never far away.  No less than three different refs show up to ref this thing during its long life and one even bleeds, which I don't think I've seen before.   I feel like this was similar to the Drugz/Virgil match in structure, but a lot less effective in execution.   There was far less energy here, although I did like some parts of this match.  

**

I gotta get off the Hoodslam for a while, so maybe we'll discuss Chikara or joshi next time we meet.

SHIMMER Volume 53 (4/6/2013)

It's almost the second anniversary of SHIMMER Volume 53 and our country is ready to celebrate!  I'd forgotten that I bought this until I installed the WWNLive thing on my Roku.  I remembered being disappointed by the main, but that's about it, so it's clearly time for a rewatch. 

Amazing Kong vs. Mia Yim

Mia does not look nearly mortified enough before the match and this makes me worry.  Kong's offense here is really simple and capitalizes on her size advantage—stuff like avalanches in the corner and clotheslines.  Me gusta.  I also like Yim struggling to pull Kong up from a sitting position.  It shows laudable thought into the physics of wrestling.  But please send back your physics degree, Mia Yim, because later in the match, she German suplexes Kong.  It looks ridic as hell and took me right out of the match.  Even my theory of alternate wrestling universes cannot cover for this.  The match was pretty standard opener fare, but the suplex thing really got on my nerves.

**

Serena Deeb comes out to give a speech about coming back from an injury and is immediately beset by Jessicka Havok, Nevaeh, and Sassy Stephie.  Allison Danger and Leva Bates to the rescue!  Dave Prazak brings some welcome logic to wrestling commentary when he insists that "it's time to press charges".  Allison Danger logically argues instead that the invaders should pay for their crimes by wrestling a match.  The most hilarious thing Allison Danger has ever said happens here: "Get to the back, get some gear on!"  I'm docking SHIMMER 20 points for not showing Jessicka Havok running around backstage looking for something that fits or maybe a seamstress frantically trying to finish ring gear.  F-.

Cherry Bomb & Kimber Lee vs. Shazza McKenzie & Veda Scott

Veda & Shazza win the match by coming out to Robyn, but then they wrestle anyway.  I'm used to delightful Kimber Lee from Chikara, so it's weird to see her as a mean girl here.  I feel that wrestling events happen in their own universes (like the WWE Universe is quite literally a real universe) and this explains why a guy can be Little Richard in one place and a wrestling boxer in the other.  I prefer the Chikara universe version of Kimber Lee.  I haven't seen Cherry Bomb before, but I'm digging her.  She's very expressive and vocal and that works in this match's favor.  McKenzie's offense seems a little off here and a lot of the stuff they do is pretty contrived and requires lots of waiting by the presumptive victims.  

**

Evie vs. Kalamity vs. Rhia O'Reilly vs. Chistina Von Eerie vs. Yuu Yamagata

No screens!  I hate multi-entity matches most of the time.  O'Reilly and Evie bring flags to the ring.  Christina Von Eerie looks like one of the girls who hops trains to get to Maryland Death Fest every year.  She's way more athletic than a true crustie, though, and I was really impressed by how well this match flowed together.  I'd probably dig it much more if any two of these ladies were doing a singles match, but what we have is fast-paced without degenerating into people very blatantly being knocked outside and standing there like a Sleepaway Camp corpse for ten minutes at a stretch.  

***

Ayumi Kurihara vs. Mercedes Martinez

No screens!  Mercedes has new hair.  I love the way that both wrestlers convey damage here.  Mercedes is especially great at these Rocky Balboa-esque drained facial expressions and physical swaying.  Just excellent.  Here's another difference between the SHIMMER universe and our own: you can use chairs in matches and not get DQ-ed as long as they're used outside the ring.  Mercedes pops Kurihara a few times and the referee basically wags his finger like Danzig about it.  Thankfully, nothing else in the match forces us to see the wires and zippers of professional wrestling.  Kurihara's dropkicks are an easy highlight of the match, especially her lovely half-rotation missile ones.  I loved the ending stretch a lot, with Martinez craftily slinking out of a submission and following up with two high-impact moves.  Good stuff!

***1/2

Leva Bates, Allison Danger, & Serena Deeb vs. Jessicka Havok, Nevaeh, & Sassy Stephie

Spoiler: they found ring gear.  Danger and Bates come out dressed as Jay and Silent Bob.  Nice to see that they're so irate about Deeb being violently attacked that they're cosplaying about it.  Daffney accompanies them. [interlude: I accidentally cut Daffney off from a bathroom at an IWA-MS show once.  She was saying something to a girl as I was walking by and I didn't parse that it was, "I'll sign it as soon as I go to the bathroom" until I'd locked the door.  But at that point, I couldn't go back out and say, "Wait, this isn't the cloak room!" or something.  So I just tried to rush, but Daffney still glared at me when I was leaving.  Sawry.]  Epic Amber Gertner burn on the cosplay: "This reminds me of some movie I watched on laser disk once."  I like the chain wrestling in the Nevaeh/Serena section.  Nevaeh has a dumb name, but is clearly good in the ring.  Serena at least seems pissed off at Havok and their interactions are the best part of the match.  I'll have to check out whatever singles match eventually happened.  The worst part of the match is probably Havok squashing Leva Bates while Bates is wearing her Silent Bob fake mustache.  Certain camera angles make it look hideously creepy, like excerpts from a very perverted apartment wrestling video.  I hope there was no mad rush of dads in the audience to the bathroom after this contest.

**1/2

Madison Eagles vs. Jessie McKay 

Australia is riven by civil war!   This alerts you that fun is happening right from the outset, when both gals try a cheap shot simultaneously.  Madison Eagles is funny as hell, biting Jessie's wrist and constantly tossing out wisecracks.  But the match itself is a blend of the light stuff and occasional epic-match peaks, like splattery powerbombs and  such.  It all gelled surprisingly well, though, and the structure of the match, with Eagles mostly killing McKay a lot, felt a lot like what Kong/Yim should have been.  Madison Eagles is obviously a tremendous wrestler.  It would be nice to see her in other places, since SHIMMER is on such a minimal taping schedule.

***1/2

Kana & LuFisto vs. Allysin Kaye & Taylor Made vs. Nicole Matthews & Portia Perez vs. Tomoka Nakagama & Kellie Skater

Allison Danger on commentary: "Jessicka Havok was not allowed to leave the building until she signed to face Serena Deeb next week."  If SHIMMER didn't exist in its own universe, I'd think that makes no sense.  But!  This match.  The Kana/Nakagawa parts are pretty rad, as are Matthews and Perez inventively trying to avoid facing Kana.  This leads to a splendid Matthews vs. Perez portion where they do an Ebessan routine.  You will l o l.  Everything's gumdrops and kisses until Allysin Kaye refuses to show damage from vicious Kana kicks, to the point that it's noted in the commentary.  Boo-urns, but Nicole Matthews quickly does a better job of dying to cover up.  Creative finish with a bottle of water being utilized in lieu of Muta-style Asian venom glands.  As you've already read, multi- matches usually raise my ire, but this one was fine aside from the selling glitches.
***

Athena vs. Ayako Hamada

SHIMMER does a good job of recapping Athena's existing knee injury, just in case it comes into play during this match.  We start with mat wrestling and it's fine, particularly the facial expressions.  Athena works hard at conveying the story of the match, not just through displays of limb injury, but through her looks and gritted teeth.  Getting into the meat of the match, there's a nice lucha exchange midway as well as some cool jockeying for submissions.  Athena is very limber for a girl with her body type and proves it by delivering a knee to Hamada while she's being tied up in a standing position.  Athena is also an expert at being missile dropkicked and the finishing stretches of this are mostly about Athena being overwhelmed by her sager opponent.  Hamada lacks the kind of acting ability or expressive charisma that would make a TNA audience care, but she sure is a fantastic wrestler and seems to have an instinctive knowledge of what goes where in a match.  If Athena were peas, she would be black-eyed peas after the beating she takes from Hamada, but just when you think she's about to go down like a cuter, better Jesus at Calvary, the match takes an unexpected turn.  Super-solid match that deserved to be seen by a better, more lively crowd.
****

Cheerleader Melissa vs. Saraya Knight (cage)

In the recap, MsChif is wearing her own shirt.  I sigh about it.  I want to like MsChif, but this and the later Satyricon entrance music...I just don't know.  Anyways, Saraya Knight is very English and elegant and sounds much like Queen Elizabeth I must have sounded.  She terrorizes the dads in attendance on her way to the ring.  This didn't get as vocal a reaction as you'd expect from a cage match, but maybe it's because it's not arranged like a typical cage match with lots of big "oooh" cage spots.  It's definitely physical, but the interaction is very close, with lots of mat submissions and punching.  In a way, it's very MMA.  But also very pro rasslin', as when Saraya has Melissa down on the mat and then growls, "USA is shit!" and turns to leer at the camera like Pazuzu.  In a lot of ways, I think this would have been better without the cage, as it would have allowed some brawling on the outside.  This was the capstone of a long, long feud between these two and they brought the intensity, but they stayed so close together that maybe it was tough for the crowd to pick up on it.  Or maybe the crowd was just zombified.  They do come alive for a hurricanrana bit at the end and for the finale, so maybe more of that kind of showy stuff would have helped matters.  Execution from both ladies was superb and Cheerleader Melissa is still dangerously close to Dick Murdoch and Bull Nakano in my favorite wrestlers list.  I'll have to check out their other matches to see how they compare to this.  

***

HOODSLAM 3/7/2014 - Crossroads of Destiny - The Road to EnterTania

 It is always a good sign when a wrestling show opens by bragging about the theatre awards it has earned.  I've heard a lot about HOODSLAM, since I read the hipster internet all day long.  They provided a pretty snazzy Brian Kendrick vs. Dark Sheik match for the #rawlternative indy YouTube marathon recently.  So let's look at a randomly-chosen show from last year, apparently their set-up show for their showcase event, EnterTania.

The arena or whatever is hyper-dark.  I've heard HOODSLAM called "the opposite of WWE" and, in terms of aesthetics, that's accurate.  It looks like it was filmed in a womb, which I guess indy wrestling sort of is.  Your commentators are Broseph Joe Brody and El Flaco Loco.  Both have pleasant speaking voices and it really elevates the product.  Lots of salty language for those who relish all that.

Chupacabra (w/ Courtney Crimson) vs. Drake Younger

Courtney Crimson does a better job at faking pregnancy than most.  The Chupacabra/Courtney pregnancy thing gets jettisoned once the match begins.  The match is pretty solid.  Both dudes work hard and I was especially impressed with Drake showing the moves' effects mid-match.  Little touches like shaking his hands after he delivers chops really do a lot to gain audience involvement.  It does go a little too long for me after a pair of moves that really should be kills, but the crowd stays into it.  It didn't tell an epic story or anything, but it never degenerated into a move-trade fiesta, as sometimes happens in nowadays wrestling.  Drake Younger sadly left HOODSLAM after this and now works for a rival company.  "You can't waste any time when you're going against a fuckin' Mexican werewolf!"

***

Tag Gauntlet

This peaked for the wrong reasons at the beginning.  The first team out is "Superhero" Kevin Douglas and Moshpit Mike.   What kind of entrance music would you guess for Moshpit Mike?  Wrong, it's scratchy hip-hop.  He also has a hatchet man tattoo.  "Superhero" Kevin Douglas appears to be fucking sauced.  He demands a mic and then says, "Normally do!  Normally people think!  Marbelly things!  Normally people think that there's like some kinda heel promo or something..."  Their opponents are Rocky Penasco & Sexy Chino.  Sexy Chino is very petite, like a potato, and strips down as Kevin Douglas mumbles something about "Positive mental attitude!"  These early goings are a surreal disasterpiece in the Jackie Gayda tradition.  Kevin Douglas refuses to give Chino & Penasco any time at the reins and basically shrugs everything off like a methlab Road Warrior.  He cuts a promo about Drake Younger in the middle of his match for no reason, too.  Douglas and Mike advance and face Ken and Ryu.

Yep, that Ken and Ryu.  Fuck the copyrights!  Despite being video game legends, they don't get better treatment from "Superhero" Kevin Douglas.  "Don't no-sell like a dick!" commentator Joe Brody implores.  I loved the video game sound effects and graphics being woven into the match, so splendid.  Two more teams appear and this match goes for a very long time.  The beginning is such a spectacle that the straight wrestling that follows, while serviceable, seems a little bit like a letdown.

**

Sub-Zero (w/Queen Sindel and Princess Kitana) vs. Zangief

I remember these guys from video games, too!  I mean, I have no idea who Sindel is, but the rest of them are familiar.  The girl who plays Sindel is an excellent speaker.  She tosses off fancy college words like "sniveling" and "autocrat" without any stuttering or Obama/Triple H "uh"s.  So far, my favorite parts of HOODSLAM are when people talk!  Zangief is billed as "the Russian lover", so it's admirable that they're adding to his already-rich character.  The match is mostly short and nothing, but I suspect that it's there just to shift the tempo after the lengthy and drunk-filled tag gauntlet.  

*

Manimal & Soundwave vs. The Stoner Brothers 

The Stoner Brothers are, as you'd expect, Steinerish.  Rick-Scott wins my heart by saying, "When it's over and Scotty does the math"!  He did the fucking math!!!  Manimal wins my heart back by coming out to the theme song from Manimal including animal noises!!!!!~  Soundwave is unfortunately not Soundwave from The Transformers, but a portly black man instead.    I guess Transformers Soundwave could've been black, but definitely not portly.  This match is a Smokelahoma Iron Lung Challenge, which is sort of like that Necro Butcher/Corporal Robinson Tequila Shot Death Match from IWA-MS, only with "good Oakland purple" instead.  The Stoners are pretty rad.  At one point, Soundwave does a standing moonsault!  Otherwise, a fun enough brawl.

**

Drugz Bunny vs. Brittany Wonder

For a shot at HOODSLAM's main title.  Brittany Wonder: "not like other girls"/also super-cute.  Drugz Bunny: Immanuel Kant created this gimmick.  The energy of the fabu first match rears its pretty head again here.  We get brawling, dives, cutoffs, Brittany Wonder's splendid ass-based offense, Drugz Bunny's integration of the drugz thing into the match, et al.  I loved both warriors' selling mid-match, very good stuff there.  As was the commentary, such as "You can't keep down a coked-up rabbit!"  Wrestling-wise, this is the kind of thing I'd dig seeing more of.  Exciting and fun and it featured a move called the Cokeslam.  

***

Anthony & Johnny Drinko Butabi (Knights of the Roxbury) vs. Juiced Lee & Dark Sheik [Golden Gig tag champions]

Wasn't Night at the Roxbury some mid-2000s SNL skit?  Nostalgia is always terrible.  Lee and Sheik are partners who hate each other, which is a fine old wrestling tradition.  I'd love to see a team that hates each other and yet goes on to hold tag titles for like five years anyway, but it will probably never happen.  The announcers are really pushing this partner-animosity business, but the match mostly proceeds in straight fashion until the finishing stretch.  The wrestling was solid enough and led to a Dark Sheik vs. Juiced Lee match at EnterTania, so whee.

**1/2

James C vs. Virgil Flynn III [Best Athlete in the East Bay award]

James C is a 20s mobster guy who ends sentences with "See?" like Edward G. Robinson.  Virgil Flynn is a smallish black dude who gets "Change the Battery Pack" flashing on the screen during his entrance.  And, indeed, the pack is changed because Virgil is pretty energetic.  I fear this is going to sound weird, but I really like James C's stuff in the ring because it's so basic.  Things like refusing to lock up or waiting a while after an offensive move to start shifting about.  So basic, but so good.  James C should put on a pair of Uggs and drink a pumpkin spice latte mid-match, hail the basics.  At one point, he nails a powerbomb off the second rope, but it's like he wants to put no effort into it and just lets gravity take Virgil down.  This is smart and awesome and should happen more often in the wrestling.  There were some things I didn't love.  Virgil Flynn gets so excited about winning the match that he tries this convoluted multi-jump indy DDT thing and forgets that it will look terrible and (more importantly) not wallop his opponent.  Enjoyable match and I'd like to see more James C.

**1/2

Doc Atrocity, Big Van Faber, & Super Mutant Red Rhino 2099 vs. Chupacabra, Futurecabra, & El Flaco Loco

An impromptu six-man tag ends the night, as the Poison logo-colored Doc Atrocity insists that he is the true mayor of HOODSLAM.  Erstwhile commentator and mayor El Flaco takes issue and faces are fisted.  This was primarily just a way to set up Doc Atrocity vs. El Flaco Loco at EnterTania.  So there.

*

This is not going to be to everyone's tastes!  But if you have an appreciation for DDT or old snarky IWA-MS or the goofiest parts of GLOW or the most high-concept parts of Chikara, you might find something to love in HOODSLAM.  I'm planning on checking out EnterTania when I get done watching Black Emanuelle solve the world's problems with her vagina.  Will report back later.