HOODSLAM Femmed Out: Drag Me to Hell 2/6/2015

Hoodslam has a new subscription YouTube channel (right here).  $1.99/month is the key that opens the door to full shows, of which there are currently three.  Drag Me to Hell entails wrestlers dressed up as typical examples of the opposite sex for whatever reason.  Once, someone asked me if drag queens were a type of clown.  Let's see if that question get answered tonight.

THE Brian Kendrick vs. Juiced Lee

Juiced is not gender-bent, but Kendrick is wearing a crisp summer dress.  He also wears universal admiration by pulling down the straps of the dress when the fight gets serious.  Juiced Lee is apparently a villain now and I think it might work in his favor.   He still cannot resist the siren song of the ropes and slips on an attempted springboard.  There's a major WTF moment when Lee springboards into a facelock, spins around, and hits a brain buster.  Stop springboarding!  That is not the finish, btw.  Not so into this one.

**

Sonya Blade vs. James C vs. Jesus Kruze vs. Bratt Manuel vs. Mia Wallace vs. Brattney Wonder

This is the "Mike Awesome Tribute Suicide Six-Way Clusterfuck Challenge".  James C is out to speak and still stalls like a fucking god-king.  He confirms my suspicions that drag queens hadn't been invented in the 1920s and says, "I could drink a gallon and I wouldn't go home with you nasty slags, see?"  So Brittney Wonder cosplays as Bat Manuel and vice versa.  Jesus Kruze further muddies the sexuality waters by tossing tampons at the crowd.  Kruze is a weird fit for all this psychedelic BS, as he's mostly a Homicide-style street brawler.  It is revealing that I spend a lot of time talking about stuff that happens before Hoodslam matches, but not much about the matches themselves.  I really dug Brittney Wonder and James C as usual.  Jesus Kruze/Brittney Wonder would be delightful to see.  There's a fun moment in which Mia Wallace has an overdose and Joe Brody stabs her with a pen, which Doc Atrocity then says was "an adrenaline pen"!   They redid a lot of the stuff from the first match, such as springboards and top rope droppy moves with the victim prone, yet hanging onto the ropes and then slightly rising up.  So fuck off, first match, you're yesterday's news.  This was lots of fast-paced fun.  

***

Juiced Lee vs. Bratt Manuel

Wonder wins and, in doing so, wins a shot at the Golden Gig.  Gig holder Juiced Lee comes out to immediately grant her the shot.  I feel like I rip on Lee, so let's be clear that his dazed swinging after a move here is pretty glorious.  Overall, though, this was not so exciting and also very short.

Waterboy Bobby Burgerhands & Cheerleader Missy Hyasshit vs. The Stoner Brothers

An impromptu match based on tardiness in which Bobby & Missy will win the Stoners' letter jackets if they win.  If you are named Bobby Burgerhands, you are already a winner.  Fans of women being destroyed will dig this, as Missy gets splattered all around the town before making the hot tag.  At that point, the match goes into a causal loop and Burgerhands gets annihilated.  There's a section in the middle that contains single-leg Boston Crabs.  But then we get a double-team Boston Crab, which Anthony Butabi hilariously calls "a double single Boston Crab!"  I lololed.  Butabi cannot stop winning, as he also dishes the classic line "This match is for jackets!"  This had rough edges and was pretty basic, but it's hard not to be impressed by how well the structure of the match told the story.  The crowd really got behind Team Cheerburger in a way that promotions more serious than Hoodslam can't pull off these days.

**1/2

The Queens of the Roxbury vs. Xena & Hercules vs. Bat Shelly & Storm vs. Poison & Cammy

Scorpion is dressed as Cammy and I'll have nightmares forever about it.  Hercules wears Uggs.  A titty-chop exchange between a Butabi and Storm leads to a "This is wrestling!" chant.  Bless!  Antonia Butabi/Scorpion-Cammy hot lesbian action, by crowd request.  If there's a Satan, he made this match.  This was ugly and not really a wrestling match, but it sure was something.  

**1/2(?)

Fucking Obese Nerdy Gamer vs. Sheik (Link dressed as Zelda dressed as Sheik)

I'm not a nerd, so I don't even know who Sheik is.  2+ hours of Hoodslam is a lot of Hoodslam and my attention is starting to falter.  At one point, Sheik pulls out a treasure chest in which he finds iron boots.  The boot motif elevates this match into a fun little outing.  Pretty dire otherwise.

**

Drugz Bunny vs. Pissed Off Nerdy Gamer vs. Charlie Chaplin vs. Sage Sin Supreme vs. THE Brian Kendrick vs. Cereal Girl vs. Doc Atrocity vs. Virgil Flynn III

Winner gets a shot at the Golden Gig at Entertania.  PONG is a pretty eloquent orator.  Hoodslam has really good speakers and should send its wrestlers out to address college graduations and staff training days.  "I've never lost to a video game character and that's a fucking shoot!" might be the greatest thing I've ever heard in wrestling.  The Charlie Chaplin invisible wrestler thing is not an inexhaustible well of entertainment, but both PONG and the debuting Sage Sin Supreme do as well as they can with it.  Would dig seeing Sage in a real match, hope that she comes back.  Doc Atrocity earns his spot in the Hoodslam hall of fame by using GLOW-esque mind control/telekinetic powers during the match.  But it's all about Drugz Bunny's return to the ring, as he gets a hero's welcome and ends up winning this okay match.  BUT then Juiced Lee shows up and mists Drugz.  BUT THEN James C shows up and cashes in his Dixie Carter Memorial championship opportunity on Juiced Lee, winning the Golden Gig, leading to James C vs. Drugz Bunny at Entertania!  The post-match was fucking rad.  

**1/2

HOODSLAM 4/4/2014 - EnterTania

2 FYIs.  A slew of the matches on this thing are randomly-compiled pairings a la the glorious WCW BattleBowl.  Plus I am sick with the blacklung today, so this might be even more badly-written than usual.  Sorry about all the Reddit references.

Ken & P.O.N.G. vs. Lucha Magnifico & Peanut Butter Banana

Ken is of Street Fighter II fame and is accompanied by Kammy.  Massive commentator interest in Kammy's ass, which apparently has its own Facebook page.  "Everybody has an ass, but very few asses have a Facebook."  Hoodslam's ass-centric sexual universe should keep anthropologists of the future busy for at least some weeks.  We like legs in Appalachia.  If you don't remember Peanut Butter Banana, this should assist.  There's a really particular nostalgia in Hoodslam, which we'll discuss more later.  P.O.N.G. stands for "Pissed Off Nerdy Gamer", so it's a given that he's going to turn on Ken, but they sprinkle the turning throughout the match instead of making it a one-and-done.  This was fine, although nothing special.  

**

Bat Manuel & James C vs. Broseph Joe Brody & Charlie Chaplin

The virulent reaction to James C makes me smile.  "Go back to the 1920s!" is a heckle that I'm glad I got to hear.  If James loses this match, he retires from Hoodslam forever, which might telegraph the ending a little bit, but we'll see.  In what must be an old in-joke, Charlie Chaplin is invisible and Disco Inferno's dream come trues, as the opposing team wrestle themselves during the Chaplin control segments.  Preposterous, but fun, in small doses.  It's worth noting that the actual wrestling in this match with an invisible competitor is a little more adventurous than lots of Hoodslam's stuff.   If I get to see Charlie Chaplin vs. Davey Richards one day, all the time I've wasted on wrestling will have been worth it.  Bat Manuel picks up the win, saving James's career and Hoodslam's ratings. 

**

Drugz Bunny vs. Virgil Flynn III

The self-congratulatory commentary is v v amazing: "What an EnterTania moment!"  I didn't dig Virgil Flynn so much last go-round, but he picks up the pace a lot here.  The opening is hot as hell, with lots of strikes and punches.  There's a nice facebuster to counter an attempted top-rope flippity-do and then they make the top-rope cutoffs a recurring motif for the early goings.  They eventually do get to the top rope and then blow something, which just goes to show you.  Drugz Bunny is really good at power stuff for a guy who is probably half my size.  The blown dropkick here won't be the only blown dropkick of the night, fans.  I don't get as salty about messed-up moves as some wrestling evaluators.  If wrestling were 100% real (which it is, verified by the mods), moves would get messed up all the time.  The difference for me is what happens afterwards and the two guys here do a nice job of averting disaster.  Virgil Flynn eventually does a top-rope complicated flippy move, but actually seals the deal with an old-timey cannonball senton.  Hopefully, he'll incorporate a lot more of the striking in other Flynn matches I see; he's really convincing at that stuff.  I suspect this match won't be surpassed.

***

El Chupacabra & Big Van Faber vs. Brittany Wonder & Zangief

Thanks, fate!  You put the cute girl together with the big Russian who has already been established as perpetually horny.  But da real MVP is Big Van Faber, who appears to have plucked his ring attire from a storage facility's dumpster.  There is duct tape on the headwear.  Splendid.  If this is an allusion to famous knockoffs like Big Slam Vader, then good job, Hoodslam.  I love how the commentators pronounce Zangief's name in a different way every show.  They should start putting the syllables and stresses after the fighters' names during entrances.  Behemoths Faber and Zangief hit the ring and start doing hiptosses and armdrags and shit.  LOLs abound and then Cabra and Wonder engage and the pace picks up.  The ending is telegraphed here, as Brittany Wonder rejects Zangief's advances because she is, like all women, icy-hearted and intolerant of nice guys.  Zangief bails, Brittany's pinned, and Big Van Faber continues to look swag as hell.

**1/2

Doc Atrocity vs. El Flaco Loco

Loser leaves town...for 90 days.  Atrocity's entourage of freaks rivals Adam Rose's by a country mile.  I don't think Flaco is a seasoned wrestler and consequently the match needs saving.  The commentators do their best, ginning up a backstory for Flaco that involves being born in a CMLL ring and spending years doing amateur lucha libre.  Forever the sickest: "You can't do krav maga without the double axehandle!"  Flaco loses when a robot(?) with oven mitt hands gets involved.  Then Doc Atrocity gives a speech that ends in "You're all gonna die...and I'm gonna fuckin' kill you!"  So I guess if anyone who attended this show ever dies mysteriously, we know who to arrest.  No one died during this match and it didn't rain, so...

*

Anthony Butabi & Jesus Kruze vs. Johnny Drinko Butabi & Rick-Scott Stoner vs. Prawn Cena & F.O.N.G. vs. Ryu & Scott-Rick Stoner

The show was starting to drag, so I'm glad they condensed things here.  Mastodons collide as F.O.N.G. and Rick-Scott shoulder-block.  Then F.O.N.G. shows the effects of a clothesline by wobbling.  Johnny Drinko says, "That's too basic!" and does a standing hurricanrana about it.  Jesus Kruze is kind of the odd man out here, he seems to be a straightforward B-Boy/Homicide-style urban wrestler.  Weird to see him amidst all this gimmickry, but his strikes and stuff look cool.  Plus he has his full name on the back of his work shirt, which helps.  This proceeds at a pretty nice clip, but then cheerleader valet Missy Hiasshit executes a sort of rana in a very herky-jerky way.  I'm sure it takes practice to get it down, so no worries, but it does muck up the flow of the match a little.  But then Prawn Cena (and I was disappointed that he was not a prawn like in District 9) does the same sequence of moves over and over again, which is one of my huge complaints about WWE big matches, even though Joe Brody is yelling, "Don't duck the clothesline!" on the house mic.  Match salvaged.  Okay stuff overall.

**1/2

The Dixie Carter Memorial Lethal Lottery Battle Bowl

This is a battle royal and, at one point, Scott-Rick Stoner hits his head and promptly starts vomiting.  Hope that dude's all right!  I saw Matt Sydal do the same thing after missing a top rope move, so you are in good company, Scott-Rick.  I was all set to commend Hoodslam for a clever title since the true Dixie Carter is indeed dead.  But they never even mention the erstwhile Julia Sugarbaker and, since battle royals are boring, I started thinking about whether a show like Designing Women would even air in California.  It seems too rural, too immersed in Hee-Haw culture.  Like, would Missy Hiasshit or Anthony Butabi know how to react if they saw Reba or a Moon Pie?  Or would it be like showing a smartphone to a cannibal tribe in the Amazon?  Anyway, James C wins and voices a splendid, boo-seeking halting promo.

**

Juiced Lee vs. Dark Sheik

Main event time and this was apparently the first match on the first Hoodslam show as well.  History!  A (drunk?) fan hits the ring shortly after Dark Sheik and is promptly ejected by a horde of folks, giving us this show's Kevin Douglas moment.  The early portions did not win my heart, mostly because Juiced Lee seemed off.  Stoned?  Mesmerized?  Whatever, he shruggingly sold punches and his offense was also pretty exposey.  Things got better as the match progressed, although botches were never far away.  No less than three different refs show up to ref this thing during its long life and one even bleeds, which I don't think I've seen before.   I feel like this was similar to the Drugz/Virgil match in structure, but a lot less effective in execution.   There was far less energy here, although I did like some parts of this match.  

**

I gotta get off the Hoodslam for a while, so maybe we'll discuss Chikara or joshi next time we meet.

HOODSLAM 3/7/2014 - Crossroads of Destiny - The Road to EnterTania

 It is always a good sign when a wrestling show opens by bragging about the theatre awards it has earned.  I've heard a lot about HOODSLAM, since I read the hipster internet all day long.  They provided a pretty snazzy Brian Kendrick vs. Dark Sheik match for the #rawlternative indy YouTube marathon recently.  So let's look at a randomly-chosen show from last year, apparently their set-up show for their showcase event, EnterTania.

The arena or whatever is hyper-dark.  I've heard HOODSLAM called "the opposite of WWE" and, in terms of aesthetics, that's accurate.  It looks like it was filmed in a womb, which I guess indy wrestling sort of is.  Your commentators are Broseph Joe Brody and El Flaco Loco.  Both have pleasant speaking voices and it really elevates the product.  Lots of salty language for those who relish all that.

Chupacabra (w/ Courtney Crimson) vs. Drake Younger

Courtney Crimson does a better job at faking pregnancy than most.  The Chupacabra/Courtney pregnancy thing gets jettisoned once the match begins.  The match is pretty solid.  Both dudes work hard and I was especially impressed with Drake showing the moves' effects mid-match.  Little touches like shaking his hands after he delivers chops really do a lot to gain audience involvement.  It does go a little too long for me after a pair of moves that really should be kills, but the crowd stays into it.  It didn't tell an epic story or anything, but it never degenerated into a move-trade fiesta, as sometimes happens in nowadays wrestling.  Drake Younger sadly left HOODSLAM after this and now works for a rival company.  "You can't waste any time when you're going against a fuckin' Mexican werewolf!"

***

Tag Gauntlet

This peaked for the wrong reasons at the beginning.  The first team out is "Superhero" Kevin Douglas and Moshpit Mike.   What kind of entrance music would you guess for Moshpit Mike?  Wrong, it's scratchy hip-hop.  He also has a hatchet man tattoo.  "Superhero" Kevin Douglas appears to be fucking sauced.  He demands a mic and then says, "Normally do!  Normally people think!  Marbelly things!  Normally people think that there's like some kinda heel promo or something..."  Their opponents are Rocky Penasco & Sexy Chino.  Sexy Chino is very petite, like a potato, and strips down as Kevin Douglas mumbles something about "Positive mental attitude!"  These early goings are a surreal disasterpiece in the Jackie Gayda tradition.  Kevin Douglas refuses to give Chino & Penasco any time at the reins and basically shrugs everything off like a methlab Road Warrior.  He cuts a promo about Drake Younger in the middle of his match for no reason, too.  Douglas and Mike advance and face Ken and Ryu.

Yep, that Ken and Ryu.  Fuck the copyrights!  Despite being video game legends, they don't get better treatment from "Superhero" Kevin Douglas.  "Don't no-sell like a dick!" commentator Joe Brody implores.  I loved the video game sound effects and graphics being woven into the match, so splendid.  Two more teams appear and this match goes for a very long time.  The beginning is such a spectacle that the straight wrestling that follows, while serviceable, seems a little bit like a letdown.

**

Sub-Zero (w/Queen Sindel and Princess Kitana) vs. Zangief

I remember these guys from video games, too!  I mean, I have no idea who Sindel is, but the rest of them are familiar.  The girl who plays Sindel is an excellent speaker.  She tosses off fancy college words like "sniveling" and "autocrat" without any stuttering or Obama/Triple H "uh"s.  So far, my favorite parts of HOODSLAM are when people talk!  Zangief is billed as "the Russian lover", so it's admirable that they're adding to his already-rich character.  The match is mostly short and nothing, but I suspect that it's there just to shift the tempo after the lengthy and drunk-filled tag gauntlet.  

*

Manimal & Soundwave vs. The Stoner Brothers 

The Stoner Brothers are, as you'd expect, Steinerish.  Rick-Scott wins my heart by saying, "When it's over and Scotty does the math"!  He did the fucking math!!!  Manimal wins my heart back by coming out to the theme song from Manimal including animal noises!!!!!~  Soundwave is unfortunately not Soundwave from The Transformers, but a portly black man instead.    I guess Transformers Soundwave could've been black, but definitely not portly.  This match is a Smokelahoma Iron Lung Challenge, which is sort of like that Necro Butcher/Corporal Robinson Tequila Shot Death Match from IWA-MS, only with "good Oakland purple" instead.  The Stoners are pretty rad.  At one point, Soundwave does a standing moonsault!  Otherwise, a fun enough brawl.

**

Drugz Bunny vs. Brittany Wonder

For a shot at HOODSLAM's main title.  Brittany Wonder: "not like other girls"/also super-cute.  Drugz Bunny: Immanuel Kant created this gimmick.  The energy of the fabu first match rears its pretty head again here.  We get brawling, dives, cutoffs, Brittany Wonder's splendid ass-based offense, Drugz Bunny's integration of the drugz thing into the match, et al.  I loved both warriors' selling mid-match, very good stuff there.  As was the commentary, such as "You can't keep down a coked-up rabbit!"  Wrestling-wise, this is the kind of thing I'd dig seeing more of.  Exciting and fun and it featured a move called the Cokeslam.  

***

Anthony & Johnny Drinko Butabi (Knights of the Roxbury) vs. Juiced Lee & Dark Sheik [Golden Gig tag champions]

Wasn't Night at the Roxbury some mid-2000s SNL skit?  Nostalgia is always terrible.  Lee and Sheik are partners who hate each other, which is a fine old wrestling tradition.  I'd love to see a team that hates each other and yet goes on to hold tag titles for like five years anyway, but it will probably never happen.  The announcers are really pushing this partner-animosity business, but the match mostly proceeds in straight fashion until the finishing stretch.  The wrestling was solid enough and led to a Dark Sheik vs. Juiced Lee match at EnterTania, so whee.

**1/2

James C vs. Virgil Flynn III [Best Athlete in the East Bay award]

James C is a 20s mobster guy who ends sentences with "See?" like Edward G. Robinson.  Virgil Flynn is a smallish black dude who gets "Change the Battery Pack" flashing on the screen during his entrance.  And, indeed, the pack is changed because Virgil is pretty energetic.  I fear this is going to sound weird, but I really like James C's stuff in the ring because it's so basic.  Things like refusing to lock up or waiting a while after an offensive move to start shifting about.  So basic, but so good.  James C should put on a pair of Uggs and drink a pumpkin spice latte mid-match, hail the basics.  At one point, he nails a powerbomb off the second rope, but it's like he wants to put no effort into it and just lets gravity take Virgil down.  This is smart and awesome and should happen more often in the wrestling.  There were some things I didn't love.  Virgil Flynn gets so excited about winning the match that he tries this convoluted multi-jump indy DDT thing and forgets that it will look terrible and (more importantly) not wallop his opponent.  Enjoyable match and I'd like to see more James C.

**1/2

Doc Atrocity, Big Van Faber, & Super Mutant Red Rhino 2099 vs. Chupacabra, Futurecabra, & El Flaco Loco

An impromptu six-man tag ends the night, as the Poison logo-colored Doc Atrocity insists that he is the true mayor of HOODSLAM.  Erstwhile commentator and mayor El Flaco takes issue and faces are fisted.  This was primarily just a way to set up Doc Atrocity vs. El Flaco Loco at EnterTania.  So there.

*

This is not going to be to everyone's tastes!  But if you have an appreciation for DDT or old snarky IWA-MS or the goofiest parts of GLOW or the most high-concept parts of Chikara, you might find something to love in HOODSLAM.  I'm planning on checking out EnterTania when I get done watching Black Emanuelle solve the world's problems with her vagina.  Will report back later.